Saw Ingrid and met a bunch of her friends at Borde and Elliott’s yesterday. We sat around and they complained about their love lives and when they left to take the uber back to south and left me waiting for the shuttle, Andrew and Curtis even gave me a hug.
I don’t know if maybe this is just who I am. I may not like it all, and sometimes I wish I could change, but how do I know if I’m trying to become something I’m not or if I’m just changing as I’m supposed to? I think the reason I’m so distressed about all this is because I do feel like I’m not exactly where I need to be. I got really upset afterwards and talked to Ferris for awhile, and then I walked all the way home instead of taking the shuttle. It isn’t even winter yet.
I was talking to Celine and Hannah yesterday about finding things we wanted to study, and I said, “I don’t think I’m interested in anything,” and at the time it was maybe a little funny but I think I’m having some sort of quarter-life-crisis because during econ today I kept thinking about whether or not I actually liked what we were talking about, and I felt like maybe the answer was no but I didn’t want to admit that to myself. Also, I feel like it’s too late to make any changes. And I know that everyone says it’s not too late, and as a second-year in college I have trouble believing that it’s already too late, but just looking at things from a major-requirements standpoint, it seems like it’s too late.
I think I’ve gotten better at this over the past year, but I hate how the way I feel is so linked to how everyone else is faring. If someone accomplishes something that I didn’t do well, then I feel like shit, and if I do something that someone else couldn’t, then I feel good about myself, and I HATE this. I think I’m more aware of it now, but I haven’t been able to fix it yet. I think I need to strengthen my resolve or something, because I find myself changing my mind all the time based on things I see on fb, which is really dumb.
I’m going to write down things I enjoyed each day in my planner because I think it will help.
I tried to make some rice yesterday but most of it got stuck to the pan.
Today was pre-recruitment, and now I think I just feel very…….disappointed. Everyone says pre-recruitment is a lot worse than recruitment, but it was just very segregated and hierarchical and I hated that I wanted to talk to some girls but didn’t want to talk to other girls and I hated judging people on the spot and having people judge me. Joining a sorority is something I want, but I also hate the fact that I want it. I like what Greek life represents at its core, but I hate the way it plays out. I didn’t even get any cupcakes.